There is a phrase that got its start in self-help programs. “Expectations are calculated resentments.” There is some truth in this statement, especially when we apply to the context of the lifestyle. How does the psychology of expectations help and apply to us in the lifestyle?
We know, that if we expect to find the right person in the right role for us, to just pop out of thin air, it will not happen. Wanting something, no matter how much, does not bring it into fruition. Studies have shown that children often believe that if they think about something, that it will then materialize. if they really want a cookie for example, if they concentrate hard enough on it, one may appear in their hand. This line of thought was coined, Magical Thinking. While this line of thinking is normally outgrown before the age of ten, new studies demonstrate that adults tend to continue this line of thinking, and we see it here.
This is demonstrated here in any of the groups where people advertise looking for someone, this rare fully trained Dom, single and independently wealthy that jet sets all over the world. On the other hand, the perky, obedient, slave girl or boy, virginal that is ready to move and be collared within minutes. None of these expectations, or I should say, very rarely, if ever, materialize. People have a major tendency to pin their dreams for love and happiness on those fulfilled expectations. While dreams and goals are fine, and there is nothing wrong with them in general, if we understand that we have to put in a lot of effort and move in a direction of fulfilling that expectation.
We learn over time that certain expectations become a standard. I know when I make a BLT for breakfast, it will bring me happiness when I eat it. After decades of making them, I now expect this experience every time I eat one.
Issues with Expectations…
The biggest issue with an expectation is when we want something to happen, find that perfect Dominant or submissive, or lifestyler in general, but do not have one solid reason that expectation should happen in the first place. If all I do is dream about the person I want to meet, or what I want out of the lifestyle community, without any solid plan to make that happen, we are just expecting something to happen for no real reason at all. At this point, we are creating the perfect storm of disappointment. I cannot expect to make the “*perfect*” person appear if I never do anything to find that person or let that person find me. It is not like they are just going to knock on your door. That is unrealistic. We have to create a plan for how this will work out. I may have to go to events, I may have to talk with friends, to find out if someone is single and if they are looking to meet someone, maybe create a dating profile somewhere and so on. To believe that just putting an ad up or sitting in my home expecting that perfect person to drop in my lap is unrealistic.
We also can see this type of behavior when looking across the community and judging others by the fetishes and kinks they are involved in. Because we *expect* them to live up to our standards. While there are some basic principles that we all follow and adhere to, expecting others to do what we do or act in a manner we expect leads to frustration and disappointment. Just because we want someone to be into leather, or be a masochist, does not mean they will act or be into those things. We may be involved in reciprocal relational dynamics, in which we equally, or as close to, do things for one another. That is fine as long as all parties agree to this expectation. What happens when one party, let’s say the Dominant has no interest in rope play? The submissive may have had this unspoken expectation that their Dominant would develop an interest from some feigned interest. When that does not happen, because the desire was not expressed and only thought about in one’s mind, we suddenly find ourselves anger, resentful, shocked, questioning the dynamic. At this moment, you have created an expectation that has become a calculated failure.
When we expect everything in our life to turn out as we hoped, is a sure-fire way to put you on the path of massive disappointment. Life never turns out as we hoped or dreamed of unless you create a plan to make it work. Those expectations become worse when we apply those void expectations to others, we just circle the wagons of resentment.
We have to learn to discuss with ourselves or our partners what we expect and want out of our lives or dynamics. Being open to reason and grow. We cannot expect someone else to know what we need if we never tell them, that goes for our Dominants or our submissives. We have to be clear and direct in our communication. If we are upset or angry, we have to tell our partners why we are, and not expect them to just magically know.
As adults, we have plans and dreams for what we want for the future. We are scheming for what we want. We act in our best interest, if we are being realistic. If we continue to believe that perfect person will just drop in our lap or others will act in the manner which we believe they should, no one will live up to these expectations, and that will just leave us feeling angry and resentful. In turn, those people may end up no longer wanting to associate with us or worse no longer liking us for the way we behave. How does it make you feel when someone expects you to do or act in a way that differs from your core values or beliefs?
Stop trying to hold onto expectations and learn to embrace the things you are thankful for, even and especially when things do not work out the way you want you ended up learning a valuable lesson. That way, you will end up experiencing peace and comfort, rather than being bitter and angry all the time.