I write a lot about well-being and our mindsets. One thing I constantly refer back to is, “Effort.” Without it, there is no relationship, just a one-way street that will quickly lead to someone ended up alone. Once we have gone through the courting process, negotiated our way into each other’s hearts, played, had some intense scenes, and have begun to really discover how much both people fit together, we enter a new phase of the relationship dynamic.

We enter maintenance and upward mobility. This is normally the point after the “honeymoon” phase has worn off, we may be living together, may or may not be married but those discussions may have happened. We have learned what each other’s toothpaste is, their wake-up routines, how hot or cold they like their showers, if they are a morning person. That point when those little picadillo’s are not as cute as they once were. We slowed down on our effort and communication, not always intentionally, but have lost sight of what brought us together in the first place.

Here are some things we can all do, inside of a relationship dynamic, to strengthen it and keep it evolving in the right direction:

Don’t Discount each Other’s Feelings...

As we move through the relationship lifecycle, there are times when either party, or both, may invalidate the other’s emotions. We discount our partner’s when we tell them things like, “Why did such a little thing bother you,” or “that is ridiculous to be mad about.” We have to justify our partner’s emotions by admitting to being the cause of the emotion without concession of culpability.

It is far better to say something such as, “I apologize if what I have done was the source for upsetting you. That was not my motive.” It recognizes how they feel, allows you to accept your part in it and does not invalidate their feelings.

Protect Our Partners…

There will be many times in a relationship dynamic that we find ourselves in disagreements with others. It is quickly becoming the nature of the world. When you are in a relationship, you are a united front. When disagreements arise that our partners are involved with, it is a show of support when we intervene. If someone is disrespecting our partner’s, you can step forward and call that person on it. You are looking to protect one another. It is not that either of you cannot defend yourselves, it proves that devotion between the two is growing.

Discuss How You Each Feel…

There are times in relationships, especially the longer they progress forward, we tend to shut down and close off. We stop saying why we are upset, we stop expressing those emotions to our partner’s, and instead we just bottle everything up. There is no winner if everyone keeps quiet or doesn’t communicate how they feel and how we respond. One thing many therapists suggest, and I use this technique, is a cooling off period when tensions are running high. Call for a timeout. Take 15 to 30 minutes to cool off, think things through, let the emotions calm and then return to the table and talk. That way you can much more clearly discuss how you feel.

Vulnerability…

We tend to protect our feelings by not talking, in an effort to protect ourselves. Sometimes it can appear to be more weakness than strength. This cannot be further from the truth. This is what our partner’s need and desire in a relationship. To know what we feel and how we process that. Embrace it, do not run from it. This is something that make you both feel closer.

Be Resolute…

This is not about choosing where to go for breakfast on Sunday morning or the next concert to go to, it is about the bigger picture. Over time, important discussions like living together, long term commitments, finances and so on, are important to your partner. They want to know it is on your radar at some point. If you avoid the subject or give flimsy responses, this can end up turning someone off fast.

We All Need a Night Off…

We all have fast paced lives. We work hard, devoted to our intellectual pursuits, have busy family and friend relationships, and sometimes we just need a day to charge up the batteries. When we take the lifestyle into account, it can get exhaustive at times micromanaging daily chores, tasks, setting scenes, always being in service, etc. We sometimes take it personally or think our partner does not care about us if they do not want to have sex. We all want to believe or feel that we are dynamic sex machines in this world of fantasy, but the reality is that we all have lives outside of here. Do not take it personally if your partner needs the night off. Our partners are not rejecting us, but like everyone else get tired and it has nothing to do with us.

Actively Pay Attention…

We often get caught up at times, trying to be the problem solver in relationships. Always wanting to fix every issue. More often than not, our partners just want to be heard. They are not looking for a solution, they just want to be “heard.“

I repeat that phrase because sometimes our problems do not need to be “*fixed*,” we just need someone to listen. Being there for your partner, actively listening and doing nothing more than that.

Do Not Be Lazy…

We share a lot of responsibilities. Some relationships are great at dividing them up. Others, there becomes an expectation that one person should carry more weight. We do not want to be with someone that needs to be taken care of. When we are seeking a partner, we are looking for that. A partner to explore life with, take on the world with. Make sure to do your part, vacuum more, do the dishes, make dinner more often, so when your partner gets home, they have time to unwind and enjoy their time with you instead of coming home to another job of taking care of you. You do not need permission to help out.

Make Each Other Feel Special…

We may not open up all the time, but there are ways we can let our partners know we feel. A slight touch, bringing them some coffee, a blanket when they are cold, even just touching them as you walk by is a nice reminder that we want to be around them. For some, it reinforces the connection.

While each thing is unique to our partners, we should be in tune enough to pick up on that and know what they like. Do not take that closeness for granted.